Miss Daisy's Petals : 2020

Thursday 15 October 2020

A short poem about anxiety

I have never shared a post like this before on my blog, but I thought maybe today is the day I try something new :)

I want to share a short poem that I wrote which describes the crippling feeling of anxiety and how it can feel like this constant cycle. It is written in an abstract form so no direct language is used, but I hope you will be able to decipher its meaning. I am not much of a poet so please don’t judge me too harshly. :)

The Hand

She lies awake on her bed at night, she feels the hand inside unlocking doors.

Her mind can’t close the doors as fast as the hand is opening them.

Her stomach continually churning, the hand wrings her insides like a wet towel.

She moves her knees to her chest, as those fingers poke and stab.

Jab after jab in her side, she squeezes tighter and tighter.

She drifts away into her dreams, the doors begin to lock themselves.

The morning sunshine hits her eyes, the veneer of serenity sweeps away as she feels the hand clasp her shoulder.

…and those doors begin to unlock, one after another, after another.

Being able to express this means so much to me, as I learn to challenge the things that the world sometimes presents as unchangeable. Prayer, support, openness, surrender and therapy have shown more clearly that victory is within reach and she indeed has the upper hand.

Friday 17 April 2020

Nowhere to go – Coronavirus lockdown reflections

2020 has been so crazy right?

Who would have thought at the beginning of the year that there would be a worldwide pandemic and almost the whole world would be in some kind of lockdown?

My heart really goes out to all those who have lost loved ones due to the Coronavirus, I have read the stories and it honestly breaks my heart. This whole situation has been tough as many lives have been turned upside down – people have lost their jobs, students have had their education cut short, not enough food In the supermarkets, wedding days cancelled, and just the complete uncertainty at this time. I really encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ to really pray for people, and go further than that to find ways we can practically to help others at this time; the world needs us now more than ever.

Let’s not get side tracked talking about conspiracy theories or downplaying the situation. From whichever angle you view it, it is a serious situation we are currently facing and what the world needs from us now is words of life and hope at a time where there is much fear and uncertainty.

Moving onto the real purpose of this post; I really want to share with you some reflections that I’ve had during this lockdown.

I know for many this lockdown has provided the opportunity to start or get round to doing those things that haven’t been done due to time - that project or ideas that needs to be worked on, decluttering in the house, exercising, healthy cooking and eating, learning a new skill using online courses, the list goes on.

But I think what this lockdown has done for me, in addition to those things, is that it has given me the time and mental headspace to actually think and to take stock of my thoughts and feelings.

What do I mean?

Life can get extremely busy and you can find yourself going from one thing straight to the next.

When we are constantly on the go - working, studying, commuting and attending to a whole load of commitments, it is so easy to push things to the back of your mind and not deal with them because you are busy “doing life”.

During this lockdown even though I am still busy as I am working (from home), and still have other commitments, my extra free time and lack of social contact has pretty much forced me into a position where I have had to deal with the things that have been piling up in my mind.

Those unresolved issues, those fears, those anxieties…

…it was time to confront them.

I am not trying to be super deep here – it can be something as simple as taking the time to walk through a past incident to assess and evaluate – what I said, what I did, what I shouldn’t have said or what I didn’t do.

And what I have found being in this lockdown is that there is nowhere to go, not just physically, but in my mind, I can’t keep running and things cannot be ignored or hidden under the busyness.

I can’t keep avoiding those tough conversations with myself, those tough conversations with God - those times when I really need to go deep and examine my thoughts and feelings and get to the root of the matter.

And this is what this lockdown has done for me, it has shown me that there is nowhere to go - but to Christ.

I just to want encourage anyone that is reading this, whether it is during this lockdown or years in the future, don’t forget to take stock of your life, of your thoughts, feelings and your mental wellbeing. Give yourself time to walk through things and systemically deal with those things which you are trying to avoid. I am seeing so many posts on social media, where people are saying that they are bored! Use this time wisely. The same way you don’t want to walk away from this lockdown with that “job” that has been left for a year, still undone…is the same way you cannot run from issues. You need to face them. You need to face that fear, that guilt, that pain. You need to face that now, while you have this “extra time”, because once all goes back to normal those problems are going to return to the back of your mind and get ignored and drowned in your busyness.

Ask yourself what am I running away from? What am I ignoring? Why don’t I want to deal with this issue? Why am I hiding?

Where can I go?

Like I mentioned before, we are in lockdown and there is really nowhere to go - but to Christ.

Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart.

Psalm 26: 2

Love, your girl forever,

Thursday 23 January 2020

2020: Letting go and moving on

My first blog post of 2020! Is it too late to say Happy New Year?

I have been so quiet on this blog recently (sorry), but I can see that God is beginning to give me things to write about again.

2019 was honestly a game changer, this past year has stretched me like no other. I didn’t realise how many lessons I could learn through adversity.

I really wasn’t ready for it…

When I think over 2019, I saw a consistent thread – “It’s time to let go and move on.”

This is probably going to read more like a personal journal entry than a blog but I just need to write about my realisations of what it has meant to let go and move on.

Letting go and moving on from the known

I worked in my previous job for almost 7 years. It was literally all I had known for a very long time…I think I was mostly on auto pilot.

When I first started this job, I loved it so much! I remember speaking with Benita and stating and re-stating that I would never get tired of my job, after she assured me that I would eventually get bored. 3 years later I began to feel it, but by then I think I had become fully institutionalised – I just couldn’t see myself working for anywhere else and the big bad job world outside looked too scary to confront. In this cocoon, I felt safe.

The only problem was….I wasn’t happy in my role and I felt trapped. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than outgrowing a job role and feeling stuck. No progression, no opportunity, no way out.

I am not sure if anyone else has experienced this in a working environment but it is a real thing! Fast forward to now…I’m in a new job – the job role is very fulfilling and challenging, lots of opportunity to develop and progress, better salary, good benefits and I am in a position where I can make a difference. But with all that goodness, I still felt sad, I missed everyone and wanted to be back at my old workplace again. It got so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to drive passed my old work building. I found that I wasn’t fully benefiting from my new job as my mind was still stuck in the old. I even brought the stress and anxiety from my old role into my new role…leading me to believe that maybe this new role wasn’t really what I wanted.

I soon realised that I needed to mentally divorce myself from my previous role in order to excel in this new role. I realised I had to let go and move on from the known. My difficulties in adjusting were all based on being away from the known – nothing to do with my new job role at all.

I had to let go in order to grow. Where there is comfort, where there is familiarity, there is no growth.

Letting go and moving on from pain

These past few months have really shown me the capacity human beings have for holding onto pain. I recently sat down and had a chat with someone who was going through a hard time. As they began to walk me through everything they were hurt about, it became pretty clear how much pain they were holding on to and how soul destroying it can be. This person’s case is very extreme, but it made me think about my own life and served as a mirror of what I could become if I don’t deal with pain correctly. In life you experience unfair treatment, backbiting, coldness and even betrayal but you can’t let the pain consume you to the point where all you know is pain and bitterness.

Letting go of pain is definitely easier said than done…sometimes I wish letting go of pain was as easy as letting the habit of harbouring pain creep up on you.

I always thought that acting nonchalant and getting on with things was letting go of pain until I realised that I had so much built up pain that it was manifesting itself as tiredness, continual frustration, overthinking, anxiety and general outspokenness. Something had to change…I needed to be free.

I am sure that the person I sat down with a few months ago, didn’t set out to internalise all their pain, but this habit if left unchecked can be detrimental.

I had to learn to gather all my feelings together and give it to God and leave it there, and when I feel it rising again, I give it to Him again…and again and again.

…And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I needed to learn to claim God’s promises.

I needed to learn not react.

I needed to learn to be still.

I needed to say “I forgive you” to the apology that I never received.

I needed to learn to let go of the pain…and never turn back.

Letting go and moving on from what used to be

…and comes the final one. Circumstances change, things change, relationships change, people change. I feel like sometimes it can be hard to let go and move on when it comes to relationships as we are holding on to what used to be. As much as we cry “why can’t things just stay the same?” The reality is things are not how they used to be and it’s unlikely it will ever be that way again.

I had to learn to find peace in accepting the reality of the present situation and realising it isn’t all bad and life can still go on. I learnt the hard way that some friendships were just for a season, and as much as I try to force it because of what used to be – I had to accept that the dynamics have changed and not to see it as a bad thing but rather accept that seasons change, and God allows people to come in and out of your life and to be in your life in different capacities for your benefit and growth.

I am learning to look back at the past only to cherish the memories and praise God for lessons learnt.

I am thankful that God gives us fresh experiences to presently embrace…I don’t need to hold onto the past, for dear life…I can let go!

…Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

I am so happy to be back to blogging again! I hope to blog more this year, please keep me accountable! Please get in touch if you want me to blog about any particular topics. Thank you so much for your patience.

Love, your girl forever,